I sought an answer to this question all
my adult life. Twice I underwent a rite of baptism but I had no
understanding of what I was doing. The problem was that I had a
pathological fear of God which eclipsed any sense of life-giving grace.
Here I reflect on my journey in the light of scripture, tradition and
psychology.
I was not baptised as an infant because
my mother was from a Brethren tradition. From the age of eight, I
suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Specifically, I
developed an obsessive terror of God, death and judgement. I became
convinced I was evil, God hated me personally and
I might be predestined for Hell. I found little comfort in the
Bible, my interpretation of God’s word grotesquely contorted by fear.
I was totally unequipped to deal with these fears, theologically and
psychologically. At fourteen I asked to be baptised following a
crippling bout. Shortly after, I was baptised by sprinkling and
confirmed, the idea being that I would take 'preparation' classes
afterwards. Sadly, this didn’t happen.
At nineteen I joined a Charismatic
house-church which taught that sprinkling was not a valid baptism and
was "re-baptised" by full immersion, though again I missed any
preparation. My OCD went undiagnosed until I was forty-one, whereupon I
was treated by a Christian psychologist and was cured in little over a
year. I
learned that my struggles were an illness. I knew assuredly, for the
first time, that God loved me, had saved me and would keep me - but was
I truly baptised? Was my original baptism valid if it was done out of
fear, not love? Was it valid anyway because it was by sprinkling instead
of full-immersion? Was my second baptism a complete renunciation of the
first? Was the second valid, as it was “In the name of Jesus” only?
Answers had to wait two years until I
had migrated from Charismaticism to an Anglican, Sacramental tradition.
At one baptism the congregation was sprinkled while being adjured
“Remember your baptism into Christ”. As some drops hit my face, my
breath was taken away by a wave of relief and a sense of cleansing.
I had encountered the life-giving affirmation of baptism for the
first time. I was amazed by this church’s emphasis on baptism; having
long been convinced of the tokenism of Anglican baptism,
I found myself faced with a rich, coherent theology. At the
congregational renewal of baptismal vows at the Paschal Vigil on Holy
Saturday I determined to crack this nut.
My spiritual director helped me glimpse
God’s perspective on my situation: “The fourteen year-old Neil is a
terrified lad who is seeking me but can only look through the dark glass
of his OCD (1Cor 12.13,). He has no confidence in my judgement of him
and fearful, not yet perfected in love (1Jn 4.17-18). But in grace I
will not break this bruised reed (Isa 42.3). At his ‘second’ baptism
the glass is a
little less dark. Nevertheless he is doing all of this for me.” This
kairos moment unburdened me of guilt and fear. I saw that it was not my
sin but my brokenness that was the heart of the issue.
It
was recommended that, I enquire about renewing my baptismal vows. In the
relevant sections of CW:Christian Initiation. I
experienced another kairos moment on hearing the section title, “Rites
of Affirmation: Appropriating Baptism”. The word “appropriating”
electrified me and expressed all I was looking for - to experience the
good of what I had already been through. Initially, my preparation
consisted of attempting to forge a sound theology of baptism; I found
www.baptism.org.uk particularly edifying but increasingly focused on
devotional reflections. My principal reference being
“Seeking Life” by Esther de Waal.
I was struck by the intensely mystical
baptismal liturgy of the early church, so very far removed from the
‘production line’ baptisms practised in some quarters today. The
liturgy concluded with the newly baptised being commissioned to go and
make disciples (Matt 28.19). I found this exhilarating and equipping; I
was free to serve without fear (Lk 1.74). In my teens, smothered by my
obsessive fear, I had experienced only the ‘burial’, as if “all of
us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death. We
were therefore buried with him through baptism into death” (Rom
6.3-4a). Now I read Paul’s statement to completion, “...in order
that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the
Father, we too may live a new life” (Rom 6.4b-5). In the words of
Cyril of Jerusalem, “Baptism is a burial and a resurrection”. I
accepted I was not just buried but resurrected (Col 2.12); raised,
hidden, and living in Christ (Col 3.1-4). In my former tradition,
baptism was seen as a bare act of public confession of faith. I had
always sensed that there was more to it than that. Now I learned that,
“a sacrament not only signifies but also efficaciously confers by
sanctification” (Hugh of St Victor). I was finally ready to
appropriate these blessings, “For a gift is not just given; it must
also be recognized, claimed, received” (De Waal).
On
All Saint’s Day 2009, I renewed the baptismal vows I had made 30 years
earlier. The words of the Decision were definitively mine, no more doubt
nor torment. In recognition of the validity of the baptism I was to
affirm, I wore an alb throughout the liturgy, not just after the vows.
This was an immensely important act connecting me with my troubled past
and redeeming it (Isa 61.10). The Lectionary readings were stunningly
relevant: the Lord swallowing up death forever, his people rejoicing,
having waited for him (Isa 25.6-9) and particularly Lazarus being called
out of death and released from his binding grave-clothes (Jn 11.32-44)!
Verses from Longfellow’s “The Nun of Nidaros” were quoted in the
homily:This poetic simile reflected my spiritual director’s insight;
no matter how dry and barren my life has been, God’s love has rained
torrentially, albeit unseen until now. The Wilderness could rejoice (Isa
35.1-4).
As torrents in summer,
Half dried in their channels,
Suddenly rise,
though the
Sky is still cloudless,
For rain has been falling
Far off at their fountains;
So hearts that are fainting
Grow full to o'erflowing,
And they that behold it
Marvel, and know not
That God at their fountains
Far off has been raining!”
In
conclusion, my appropriation of baptismal vows has given me the
assurance of things hoped for and the conviction of things unseen (Heb
11.1). I know that faith is not predicated on perfect obedience or the
whim of a belligerent god, it is the wiling gift of a gracious God (Eph
2.8-10)
Neil
would be happy to correspond with anyone wishing to enquire about his
story. Contact
at webmaster@stmarysoldbasing.org.uk
